Well, here I am again, writing in this journal hoping to find some answers some day. I hate sitting up at night wondering on what the future may bring. I'm sick of worrying and wondering about intentions of others and also where my life will lead me in this short year. I don't know. I don't understand how in a short month so many things can change (for the better) although I am still haunted from the past. If I was something or someone that was replaceable before you left... then why do you still insist on calling and texting me every damn day that you are gone... I'm not sure. What do you need from me. Honestly sometimes I feel like this boy will be the end of me... he makes me not want to be with anyone else... NOT BECAUSE I have a dying desire to be with him... he just sickens me with his lame excuses and his desire to make things work now since he is away. If our relationship didn't work when you were less than 5 miles away, then 200 miles away, what makes you think we can still be together when you are thousands of miles away. Really, a man that is going to Iraq for 18 months what does he need from a girl that still needs to finish college? What does he need from a girl he has dated and told that he can't continue a relationship although still continue to call and text everyday... someone explain to me what I have that this kid is striving on for so long and won't let go? Believe me I have been strong and I HAVE NOT been nice to him these last couple weeks and I've said some pretty horrible things although still he calls me daily to see what I am doing? Is he checking in on me to make sure I'm not with anyone else? Is this a jealous issue? Or has it finally hit him that he treated me unfairly and horribly and realize by being away from home that I was something wonderful he lost... Whatever the case it will never work because of how he treated me before. I have no trust with him. He could call me tomorrow and say marry him and I'd probably puke at the idea of it. I'm not sure, I'd just love to know from another perspective what all of this means. I know a lot of people may figure he is keeping in touch because I was his last real relationship before he left for Iraq ALTHOUGH its not like he can just come back and pick up where he left off, I'm not something easy anymore... not something that he can seduce whenever he acts a little stupid... he has nothing to GAIN from talking to me on the phone other than knowing he still has a friend... so his intentions have to be sincere right? Can you have bad intentions when you are going to Iraq for 18 months and not going to see anyone for that long? Does he really need someone?

Another story that is closely related is the other boy. The boy that is away. The boy that still continues to call and keep up with me after I loved him to death dearly about a year ago. He still calls and wants to know what is up with my life... now IF THESE GOD DAMN BOYS TELL ME THE RELATIONSHIPS ARENT GOING TO WORK OR IF THEY NEED TO TACKLE EXPERIENCES ON THEIR OWN why are they having such a hard time letting go, I RARELY CALL THEM. They come back to me, begging for me back over and over again but i don't believe them. They come back and then stray and come back saying they need me and whatever else, SHIT, I've even recieved nearly a marriage proposal. I'm too young to be having this many problems.

If you make a decision to not include someone like myself in your life anymore, then guys you need to realize that I cannot be there for you all the time, that everyday phone calls from an EX is not normal. What do you think? Are they crazy? Do they realize finally what they are missing and frankly that they lost probably one of the best things that has ever happened to them? I guess the world will never know. I'm stressed and hopefully leaving in 10 days will help me realize my priorities in life and how I need to better myself and fuck any man that comes in my way of that. I am worth so much more and you assholes have to prove that or you aren't worth an ounce of my time or energy.

I guess the PMS came out tonight.